Apostolic pentacostal survivor

Hi, i’m new to this group and would like to share my experience and hear the experience that others have had like mine. I was apart of a very controlling apostolic pentacostal church for four years from age 14-18. At that church they would scream in our faces, telling us that if we didn’t read our bible our parents would get divorced. if we didn’t sob twice every service we were going to hell. the induced mental breakdowns and a group psychosis. people would holler and run around. jumping. screaming of healed ulcers. touching others and people fake blacking out and collapsing. shaking violently. moaning cries. they not only encouraged this, but shamed you if you didn’t. it meant you weren’t worthy enough. as a perfectionist. obviously I strived to be the best at everything I did. little did I know it would end up ruining my life. I am still picking up the pieces. any advice?

Hi, I read your post. I am sorry you went through that. It sounds very visually and audibly accosting to say nothing of the psychological impact. Wow. My experience was a bit different, but like yours, there was an anatomical component that left my nervous system more susceptible to going haywire when even some of life's everyday weights are imposed upon my sensory receptors in a sudden or prolonged way. Fortunately, things are better for me now. However, it wasn't because my minister, religion, or medication changed. In my case, I had to rearrange my priorities as they had been distorted by what I'll call ministers of the lesser sort; those who placed a higher value on expedient compliance than they placed on my being alive. Allow me to explain one of the initial things that helped me make a healthy change that probably saved my life.

One of the things that helped was learning about Behavioral Economics, a concept created (as I understand it) by psychologist Daniel Kahneman. The takeaway I got from his work, referred to as Prospect Theory-Decision Making Under Risk (as opposed to Utility Theory which doesn't factor the psychology of loss into why people opt for one choice over another) was that when it comes to making decisions, even the decision to accept or reject a doctrine, rational people (people who prefer to prevent both immediate AND long-term loss) do so by weighing auxiliary factors, not merely using oversimplified, "2+2=4 so chose this" type of short-sighted decision making.

To me, short-sighted decision making reveals a lack of patience and a strong demand for quick compliance. As far as your experience, just as someone on the outside looking in, I'd say that someone yelling in your face and telling you to make a choice in that moment seems to fit this description (an impatient, lazy, Utilitarian "teacher"). You could say that my learning about Behavioral Economics gave me a mental framework that made me view my preference for taking my time and being assiduous when making decisions, NOT as a lack of faith, but as a psychologically necessary thing for anyone capable of fathoming loss; an asset. (An asset is not what some less patient or non loss prevention minded people would likely label it, but rather, mislabel as being a perfectionist).

From what you describe, you sound like a sensible person who is healthily conscious of (and therefore adverse to) loss. In my opinion, persons capable of more extrapolative thinking have a better ability to foresee long-term loss, and therefore WOULD be comparatively more distressed when an otherwise avoidable loss it being imposed upon them, their interest, or someone they care about by the impatience or wanton decision making of someone else (even if that someone else is a minister). In a business environment, your assiduous nature would likely be considered an asset, not something to shame you for. I happen to believe that God is patient, but too often I observe that humans who either 1) narcissistically crave our compliance , 2) have an objective that requires our compliance, or 3) have staked their personal reputation or professional credibility on an image or performance that requires our compliance ARE QUICKER to forego being patient and MORE LIKELY to use force or leverage to get satisfy their narcissistic compulsions, objective, or public image.

I say, 2+2 may be part of a person's problem, but it doesn't mean it’s the whole equation. Similar to math on a piece of paper, some people may know how to add, subtract, and divide, but they don't know how to approach complex problems, such as a kinematic equation, so they erase the "factors" THEY cannot compute (minimizing a person's real problem) to preserve the appearance of being the one with the answers. Otherwise, how could a minister (religious teacher) incapable of "showing his/her work" when presented with a complex social problem (like abuse, trauma, suicide, psychosis, gaps in the mental health system) avoid being discovered as a fraud when a congregant asks them to exhibit THEIR comprehension of the full scope of the complex social problem they placed before them? I observed too many ministers who could not exhibit an adept knowledge of the timing, frequency, rate, or outcome trajectory of factors involved in the problem I laid before them, as life laid it at my feet. I asked them to tell me what to do with such a problem, NOT just the easy no brainer part, the auxiliary factors too). They only gave me Utilitarian options that would have involved my having to willingly (thus irrationally) absorb YET ANOTHER otherwise avoidable loss.

The more empathetic ones didn't ask me to do that, yet what they advised only added to the psychosocial complexity for they advised me to take a course that went contrary to the very things they were telling the rest of the congregation to do. I tried it, but it only made me appear more asynchronous and made others distrust me, because most would not believe that it was same minister who advised both. I lost some meaningful friendships because duplicitous advice made my ministers feel like they helped me, but in reality it only increased duress because it made me look like I was lying on these ministers who were highly esteemed. Go figure.

In the end I had to concede that any teacher, even teachers of Bible (ministers) who refused to (or failed to) show their work had no right to expect those they teach (congregants) to continue to believe they were a capable teacher whose words and advice were worthy of trust and respect (the subject of compliance being a can of worms I won't open as this post is probably long enough).

So, again, Prospect Theory helped me see just how unreasonable and lazy most of my ministers were being. I hope what you take away from this is that you are not alone, and the weight of trauma can get lighter (whether it happened in religion, proximal to a religion's relation to your family, or both). You do have a lot of decisions to make, but you do not have to make them with a screaming, impatient, fear mongering, life devaluing, lazy, or incompetent teacher standing over you with their version of a yard stick and stopwatch. God is patient. Forethought is wise. Betterment is achievable. Professionalism in religion is possible, even if perfection is not. You deserved better.

All the best.

i went through so many similar situations including attending events in elementary school, strobe lights, men dressed up as "demons" dragging women screaming off stage, and i had a sensory processing disorder that i would shutdown during due to anxiety/panic attacks. that was a traveling event to attend at megachurches, and in mine, they had me take on the role of the same script that was national- of being the girl who watches her mother dragged off the stage. i said i didn't want to and started crying but was told to use that emotion. i remember so many services of watching people convulse, scream on the ground too "slain in the spirit" with deacons ready with blankets. i am still working on uncovering all of my memories, but theres a shame barrier and almost disbelief at what im saying when sharing in professional/clinical settings.

I know what you mean about that shame feeling; always wondering how much to share, how to explain otherwise unexplained nervousness and discomfort. These aren't exactly the type of experiences everybody has (or would talk about). It can add to feelings of being isolated, even though you just left an isolated life, ironically. The good news is that the unwarranted shame gets pushed out the more you put healthy reasoning in. You're headed in the right direction, towards peace.